Mood:
happyNow Playing: Euro Dance and Hard Dance channels on www.di.fm
Songs currently playing: DJ Bobo: "Love Is All Around", Alex Mac & Zeebra Kid: "Hard Trance Mix" (August 2007), Observer vs. DJ Spacecase: "Rock This Place", No Faces: "No Time No Space", Brain 30: "Brain Train" (Tunnel Virus Cut), Ed Real and Vinylgroover: "657", Audiotek: "Contact" (Original Mix), Simon Qudos: "Forever Restless" (Olly PerrisMix), Trevor McLachlan Greg Brookman: "iToon", Paul Glazby vs Paul King: "Let Me Go" (Original Mix), Russenmafia: "Afraid of Us", Ant and DDR: "Its not Goa but its Fucking Psychedelic", "Jingle Wooshe 05", Mark Norman: "Overkill", DJ Mill and Manuel T: "Trust No One" (original), Ben Nicky: "Turn on V2", Yoji Biomehanika: "Monocrhoma (Scot Project Remix)", Bas and Ram: "Alien Threat" (DJ Sequence Remix), Chris and Matt Kidd: "Control" (Original Mix), Jason Cortez: "New Years Dazed", Blueprint: "Standing on Pluto", Johan Nilsson aka DJ Irish: "Assorted Hard Trance Volume 11" (January 2008)
"So much to say, so much to do. Come together and see the light..."
I think I heard that in a song so long ago that I can`t remember for sure, but that I can be sure - it tell the truth.
So much has happened after my last post - so many times I`d wanted to come here and scream it all aloud, but I haven`t been able. I`ve been scared. Scrared about the possibility that I ruin it all. Destroy it like usual.
I sigh and look around myself. Mess. Terrible mess. My house looks like the next atomic war would have been battled inside of it, and I feel alike. Yet Rolle, my appr. 8-month old kitten sleeps peacefully in a plastic box that`s half full of my latest dry laundry. At least some1 can enjoy the simple pleasures - such as soft napping place. **grin**
After the latest entry, I`ve been workin` with my grad-work: my Mazda`s engine. 1st I kept reasonable speed, but the more my insecurity grew, and the more I also started to experience troubles with my Toyota, the slower became my process speed. My personal demands for perfection and the appereance of spring (the hardest season for me) drove me in bed with several days of sick leave. I`ve tried to ask guidance from my teacher, even discussed about this all with the study guide teacher of our school, but I feel there hasn`t been help at all. My teacher`s been helping my classmate guys more - even those who do motorsport on their freetime and are more familiar with the engines than me. I feel I get no help, even with such things as how the h*ll I`m supposed to get the broken drill head out of there where it doesn`t belong to. Needless to say that when you don`t believe in yourself and your so called "skills", it`s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I should be graduating in 3 weeks and at the moment I`m far behind my schedule.
The lack of faith in myself has - naturally - been affecting to my ability of managing thru the everydaylife of mine. Yet, it ain`t as dark as you may imagine it now: fortunately there`re several very important things to patch up and even boost my life, which means that despite the fact that I`m again on a week long sick leave after getting a serious throat infection (**sourly:** Yes, my asthma of course has played it`s part for making it more severe.) I feel rather happy inside of me. 
Y`see... I never thought I`d EVER be thankful for my father for the fact that he and mom, but especially by father forced me go to study IT-stuff to the neighbour school of my now current studying place.
It all started back in year 2002 when I was freshly graduated from sr. high with rather good grades despite of the fact that I barely opened my studybooks outside the lessons. I had been trying to get in the uni and uni of applied sciences but for multiple reasons of my own, I managed to fail the tests that would have allowed the entry into my chosen career alternatives. Then once I heard while driving with Tigxie, Cigce`s precessor, an advertisement of household studies. A couple of days later I went on the website mentioned in the ad - bumping there to an ad of IT studies. Naturally, I got curious about it - after all I had spend the vast majority of my freetime in the computer class of my sr. high, messing up with my website I used to have back then and writing e-mails my then existing bf, CT.
I introduced the alternative to my parents (and I regretted it many times afterwards, but not anymore. I know the Lord has His ways and meanings for us if we just let Him use us for His own purposes. I know He can turn thing that 1st seemed unpleasant and panful for us to become our victory and strenght if we just allow it all to happen.) but at the same time I tried to push thru the idea of letting me to go to a Swedish speaking school to study media and web issues. (I know I would have been just fine in there.) Naturally, my parents didn`t allow their boneheaded daughter to go to shcool anywhere further than what is absolutely necessary and so, my place for upcoming studies was decided and confirmed.
History knows to tell that I never graduated from that school - even if I spent there 1 xtra year instead of the original 2 years that it was supposed to last. I hated the business orientation of that school but loved to mess with the computers. Yet, I feel I learned something about the customer service when participating in the students` organization by ordering and selling the studybooks and working at the student canteen.
Many of the students became regular customers. Some even friends & pals. Among of those was 1 boy. Short haired, slightly shyish, yet warm look in his greenish eyes, but when you got to know him more, he became instantly more talkative. That was Hexan.
I used to be working on most of the canteen shifts during my 2nd year when especially we became friends, but I never felt nothing more towards him at that time. And how could I had? I was happily together with CT although I suspected that Hexan harboured some kind of feelings towards me, even if he never told `em aloud.
Our friendship lasted and at the end of my 2nd year (which should have had been my last year, but wasn`t because of the motivation problems and therefore terribly failed courses) Hexan, who had taken the 3-year long studying route, starting his own studies 1 year before me, celebrated his graduation. I was happy for him and knew in my heart he`d be going forward in his life. I was happy for my friend`s success and bitter for my father for forcing me to bang my head to the stonewall and study this useless business stuff (Unlike my dad, I ain`t ever been a business-person.) Anyway I continued with my 3rd year - the xtra year - at that school forgetting Hexan completely. After all, I thought back then I`d be spending my future with CT.
So, as mentioned - I never graduated officially. My last springin that school was nightmare-like and though I told to my parents when I finally took my age-old passion and curiosity (namely cars and machines) with reasonable seriousness that I`d finish th IT studies along with this - I closed the doors of IT-section for good and for ever - never returning back to those old days.
I was excited about my new studies feeling this to be the right 1 for me. We have 5 studying periods in our school during the studying year and 1st went in a blink of an eye. On the second study period a surprise walked in front of me on an afternoon coffee break in the form of highly surprised figure of a young man a bit more than a head taller than me:
"Töpis! What the h**k are you doing here?!"
The face was familiar though the hair was slightly changed. I`m embarrassed to admit but for a blink of an eye my mind hit empty until I realized who it truly was. Hexan! 
We met each other randomly - always accidentally because he was now studying electronics on the opposite end of the same shcool where I was studying cars and machines. A few times we ate togeth if we happend to the school`s dining hall so much at the same time, but usually my lunch mates were either HP or then Jensai & Anubis. Sometimes even Mel-san and now on this year Amme too a couple of times.
It was spring time when I first noticed the ring in Hexan`s ring finger.
I was already long ago separated from CT, undone our engagement but my first feeling when I saw Hexan`s ring was happiness for him. I knew Hexan had had some rough moments in his life too - not as rough as I had, but rough enough to make you wish eternall happiness and no single sorrow anymore for him to bear. Then next, right after the happy flush hit an unexpected thought: "D*mn! All the good ones are taken!"
But then again, I knew back then and I know now I wasn`t readythen for a new relationship and I was far too delighted for Hexan`s happiness to start any kind of show about it. Besides, I`ve always been stricht and thinking that being taken by some1 is an obstacle, while e.g. Radala thinks it`s only slowing down. Hexan respected my relationship when we both were studying IT-stuff. I decided to respect his happiness by not interfering in that. I concidered his affection on me to have died during the year he was working after his graduation and I was sort or relieved. We were still friends anyway.
So, this is all what happened between the time I came to study IT-stuff, until the 2nd of april on this very year (2008). Funny how it all started like any other day for me, but the end was something that I had never even in my wildest dreams ever exopected to happen...
Here it goes:
Everything was like usual until the lunch was about to come. I don`t know if Jensai had spotted Hexan a lot before me sitting at the dining hall of our school while we were queuing for our lunch or why she all suddenly mentioned to me that Hexan and his gf had separated. They both, Jensai and Anubis told me what they knew but I couldn`t believe it. From all of the guysa in the world that I know I had always thought Hexan to stick by the side of his loved 1 no matter what comes on their way. I knew he was very faitfull by his nature and I couldn`t believe it, yet I saw his sad face a part of me said it all makes sense. I couldn`t believe it. I had to ask it directly. I had to ask it from him before I`d believe.
So, I picked my lunch along with the girls and we gathered arouns a table next to the spot where you leave the dirty dining tools & plates for the wash. After some time Hexan came to return his lunch tools and I gestured with my had for min to come to our table after he has returned his stuff and I saw him getting delighted, so he did as I had asked. I told him what I had heard - telling that I won`t believe it before he either confirms or denies it and for my sadness he conformed it. He and his gif had separated about a week before. I thought that I`d try to cheer him up and asked if he`d participate in the class trip my class shall be doing on the beginning of the last week of May but he thanked and refused. I offered him my help as a listener if he wanted to talk about the things and I felt he was relieved after all the kindness that I showed to him, to my old friend whounlike all these current school friends, knew me from the time before the car department.
When I returned back to my studies after the lunch I thought I had done something even slightly good - given some consolation to a grieving friend but continued my own day without the further thoughts about the event that had just happened. On the afternoon I got out of school at the same time with Jensai and we went to fuel my Toyota, snacked something at the gas station and then returned back to school from where a taxi would pick up both Jensai & Anubis.
I spotted an empty place next to a wine red Carina II, reversed to the free spot and we had my Corolla`s CD-player plying the music quite loudly with the windows open so the sound would carry out louder and we`d get fresh spring air inshide the car. We had fun while waiting for the taxi & Anubis intil a tall, (now long-haired) figure appears next to my driver`s door opening the driver`s door of the Carina II next to me and all that hits at that moment in my brains is that the owner of that car has arrived. Atthat moment I hadn`t yet looked very clearly towards the Carina-owner - I was more focused on the music & chatting with Jensai thatI must admith I got a bit strartled when I heards distantly familiar voice yelling over the music: "Who the h*ll`s popping here this loudly?!"
For a 1/100th of a second my brains hit empty again. Then I realize who`s the Carina-owner: Hexan!
We chat for a moment, Hexan suggests we`d go for a coffee so we could talk about this all much better in peace, I hesitate, but say it sounds good idea - still chatting more with him. Taxi comes and picks up Jensai & Anubis and me & Hexan still chat. He asks if he could come for a coffee at my place. I still hesitate until I somehow get myself encouraged.
At my place our discussion continues, we go thru our lives after the time Hexan graduated and went working. There was a lot of catching up, incl. his confesasion about the fact that I was right - he had had feelings for me when we both were IT-students... until we end up to our ended relationships and I confess that it`d be nice if I had someone standin` by me. For my surprise Hexan answers: "Here I am."
My ears refuse to believe what I just heard. Is Hexan tellin` me that he would like to share his life with me? So, I ask him to say what he means in order to clarify that I didn`t now misinterpret his words. No, I didn`t. He says it with clear look in his greenish eyes that if I just want it too, he`s willing to share his life with me. And so, during the following days I finally fell in love with him - answering to his feelings that had never completely died away.
That evening meant a lot to me. After being a single and not looking for a new mate nearly for 2,5 years I have now a bf who I truly believe will become my husband on some day. Ever since we started to be together we`ve been making plans, talking about our hopes, fears, past, future, expectations... e.t.c... We`ve share moments of laughter and sadness, met each other`s family and planned our own future family. Plus, thanx to him I got a rather well paid job for next summer from the same company where he goes too - even from the same shift. I`ve done already some minor fixings to his car and he has helped me when I got rid of Warbler, my Corolla and Jizan, my spare part Mazda. And yes, despite of the denial on the 1st time, he`s now coming with me & my classmates on our school trip to Estonia on the last week of May. If I`m not careful enough, he may even propose me soon. 
After all he`s already asked my ring size. 
Oh well, that`d sound almost too good to be true.
Anyway... I love you, Hexan! 
